If You're a Parent, You're a Leader (Part 1)

Done well, business leadership & parenting have a lot in common.

Okay, many of you may think the title was written by Captain Obvious. I had the opportunity to lead an organization before I became a parent, so the similarities between management and parenting didn’t hit me until I had children of my own.

In 2000, my daughter was three years old and I was five years into leading a struggling start-up. I was completely unprepared for the people issues facing me as a leader. And of course, nothing can really prepare you for parenting. Being a good little (former) engineer, I read everything I could get my hands on and started experimenting.

Thankfully, my daughter’s school offered a parenting class that included the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. As I read the book, I tried to practice many of the techniques recommended by the authors, and I was pleasantly surprised to see them work! And not just at home with my child, but at work too. It struck me that I could easily substitute “employee” for “child” throughout the book.

Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying that employees are children nor should they be treated as such in the traditional sense. We built something special at work in part because we try not to treat employees like children in the traditional sense; we try not to police them, control them, yell at them, punish them or otherwise treat employees like most corporations do.

Instead, our culture focuses on treating employees as owners, respecting their abilities and thoughts, talking openly with them, helping them discover who they are professionally and how they fit in the team. We try hard to break down the walls between “employee” and “management” because working together makes life a lot more pleasant for everyone.

How to Talk… recommends positive practices between parents and children. It is based upon the premise that parents shouldn’t treat kids “like children” all the time, but instead, treat them as human beings struggling to cope with their own set of issues. As parents, and managers, it is our responsibility to help them, set firm boundaries for their protection, set clear expectations and goals, talk with them and respect their needs, and put their needs ahead of our own.

“I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own. Living with real children can be humbling.”

That may have been the first sentence where I realized I could substitute employees for children. Before I was in leadership, I was a wonderful leader. I often criticized those in management and thought I had all the answers. Then they hand you that precious baby and send you on your way – without an instruction manual.

How to Talk… isn’t necessarily an instruction manual, but it’s close. It has six chapters:

1. Helping Children Cope with Feelings

2. Engaging Cooperation

3. Alternatives to Punishment

4. Encouraging Autonomy

5. Offering Praise

6. Freeing Children from Playing Roles

Most managers would be having trouble fitting those titles into the office environment, until you dig a little deeper beyond the title. See if you can adapt the parenting guidance to workplace leadership.

One of the many things that surprised me as a leader was how much time I’d be spending helping adults resolve relationship issues at work. Traditionally, the work environment is majority male. This may be stereotypical, but in my experience, men are not the best at dealing positively with conflict or addressing difficult personal issues. Chapter 1 is clearly geared to helping kids, but there are important messages for any leader:

· “There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave. If they feel right, they behave right…However, parents usually deny kids’ feelings. This confuses and frustrates them and causes them not to trust their own feelings or respect others.”

· You don’t have to agree with the child’s feeling, just acknowledge it. Accepting a child’s feelings doesn’t mean allowing behavior that is unacceptable. Accept, but make sure you clearly state your expectations for behavior.”

· “Try to match the intensity of your response to the intensity of their emotions. Don’t make too much of an emotion or too little.”

Hopefully you can see how this advice can help in the workplace, and not just for managers.

Where Chapter 1 was devoted to helping children cope with negative feelings, Chapter 2 helps parents deal with their negative feelings. One of the frustrations of parenthood is dealing with the conflict in needs between parents and children. The child says “I’ll do what I want”, the parent says “you’ll do what I say” and the fight is on. To encourage cooperation and minimize “us versus them”:

· Describe what you see or describe the problem. It’s hard to do what needs to be done if someone’s calling you names or blaming you. Describing the problem gives them a chance to tell themselves what to do. Do not use “you” in describing the problem.

· Give information instead of accusing. When children are given information, they usually figure out for themselves what needs to be done.

· Say it with a word instead of lecturing or moralizing. In many cases, less is more.

· Talk about your feelings without commenting on the child’s character or personality. By describing how we feel, we can be genuine without being hurtful. We also give credence to expressing feelings and encourage children to do the same.

· Write a note – sometimes nothing we say is as effective as the written word. A humorous touch often helps. This can be particularly effective if the subject is causing you so much frustration that you aren’t rational.

· Be authentic – sounding patient when you’re really angry sends the wrong message. Be persistent – just because you don’t get through the first time, don’t revert to the old ways of dealing with the situation. Use humor if you can.

· The attitude behind the words is as important as the words. “You’re basically a capable, loving person, but right now there’s a problem. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll probably respond responsibly” instead of “You’re basically inept and irritating, you’re always doing something wrong and if I don’t police you all the time, you’ll continue to do the wrong thing.”

· If you’re not getting through, ask yourself: 1) does my request make sense in terms of the child’s age and ability; 2) does he feel my request is reasonable; 3) can I offer a choice rather than a command; 4) are there any changes I can make to invite cooperation; 5) is most of my time spent trying to get the child to do things, or am I taking enough time to just be together.

· This won’t always work – children aren’t robots after all. The purpose is to focus on the positive instead of the negative, put an end to talk that wounds the spirit and search for language that nourishes self-esteem, creates a climate that encourages cooperation because of mutual respect, demonstrate respectful communication that our children will use with us and others throughout their life.

If you read that from a parent’s point of view, please go back and read it again thinking about the workplace. Is there advice in there that you can use to improve your workplace relationships?

If this quick tour through a book that connects parenting and workplace relationships has connected with you, please read Part 2 for more.