If You're a Parent, You're a Leader (Part 2)

More leadership lessons from a great parenting book...

Chapter 3 of How to Talk so Kids Will Listen… is about alternatives to punishment. A child should experience the consequences of his actions, but not punishment. In a caring relationship, there’s no room for punishment - it doesn’t work and it’s a distraction. Instead of the child being sorry for what he’s done, he becomes preoccupied with revenge and deprives himself from facing his own behavior. Instead of punishment, try:

1. Express your feelings strongly but without attacking character: “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain.” Keep it short and clear and without anger, resentment or blame. Genuinely understand the child’s feelings.

2. State your expectations clearly: “I expect my tools to be returned in good condition after they’ve been borrowed.”

3. Give the child a choice: “You can borrow my tools and return them in good condition, or you can give up the privilege of using them.” Don’t permit the child to blame or accuse at any point. Focus on a solution for the future and not the past.

4. Show the child how to make amends: “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.” Invite the child to come up with solutions without critiquing. Decide which ideas you like and which ones you don’t.

5. Take action: “Dad, why is the tool box locked? You tell me.” Let the child experience the consequences of his own misbehavior. If emotions are too strong or the child won’t sit down and work with you, try writing a note and allowing them to response in kind.

Consequences focus on improving future behavior while punishment is often about something that’s already been done. Coupling this with showing how to make amends gives him the chance to feel good about himself again, while punishment does not. The key is respect – for yourself and your child, and for the unlimited possibilities of what can happen when two people of good will put their heads together.

Any leader that’s read Drive by Daniel Pink will recognize the links to Encouraging Autonomy in Chapter 4. One of our most important goals as parents is helping our children become independent individuals who can function without us. We do this by allowing them to do things on their own, wrestle with their own problems and learn from their own mistakes. Those of us with kids know this is much easier said than done. Here are some ways to encourage autonomy:

• Let children make choices whenever possible. Minimize conflict by offering choices that you are comfortable with. If you feel that a forced choice is no choice at all, invite the child to come up with his own choices that are acceptable to all.

· Show respect for their struggle – when the struggle is respected, the child gathers courage to see the job through. If it’s unbearable to watch them struggling, give useful information starting with “sometimes it helps if you…”.

• Don’t rush to answer questions for them - allow them to explore the answers first for themselves. Turn the question back on the child first, and give them enough time to respond before jumping in.

• Encourage them to seek answers outside the home so they know they’re not completely dependent on you. Offer suggestions of where they can go to get the answers and let them go after them.

• Stay out of the minutia. Pick your battles and forget about the little stuff. Let them manage the parts of their lives that don’t mean much in the end.

• Don’t talk about the child in front of him, no matter how young. When children hear themselves discussed, they feel like objects or possessions of the parents.

• Let the child answer for himself. A real mark of respect for a child’s autonomy is to say to an inquiring adult, “Johnny can tell you, he’s the one that really knows.”

Please read these bullets from your perspective as a parent, and again from your perspective in the workplace. As a leader, this is relevant advice and many of these bullet points are very real pitfalls we have all fallen into at one point or another.

There is a ton of research about the value of recognition and gratitude in the workplace. Chapter 5 is all about offering praise to help build self-esteem. Self-esteem is the most important value judgment for psychological development and motivation. It has profound effects on thinking, emotions, desires, values and goals. All of the principles discussed thus far can help a child see himself as a person of worth, gain confidence and build self-esteem. Praise is another part of the answer. Helpful praise comes in two parts: 1) the adult describes what he or she sees with appreciation, 2) the child, after hearing the description, is then able to praise herself.

Instead of evaluating, describe what you see or feel. Instead of “this scarf you made is beautiful”, say “look at this rich red color, thick fringes and rows of even stitches, it will keep me warm on a cold day”. This is much harder than it sounds. It’s much easier to say “wonderful” or “terrific” than to really look at it, experience it and describe it in detail. Sum it up in a word. “You said you’d be home at five o’clock and it’s exactly five. That’s what I call punctuality.” Find a word that will tell the child something about himself he may not have known before.

Recognizing moments when his best is affirmed become life-long touchstones that are returned to in moments of doubt or discouragement. How many of you remember vividly the times you were recognized by parents, friends or managers?

Praise for helpful behavior doesn’t come as readily as criticism. We have a responsibility as parents to reverse this order. The outside world doesn’t offer much praise – when was the last time someone said: “Thanks for only taking up one space, now there’s room for my car”? One slip up however, and condemnation is quick. The whole world will tell our children what is wrong with them, loud and often, so our job is to let our children know what’s right about them.

· Avoid praise that hints at past weaknesses or failures. Rephrase the praise so that the focus is on strength.

· Excessive enthusiasm can interfere with a child’s desire to accomplish for herself. Intense pleasure expressed by the parent can be taken by the child as too much pressure to live up to.

· Praise invites repetition, so use it selectively – don’t praise something you don’t want to see happen often.

· Be accepting of the child’s mistakes and failures and help them view those as part of the learning process. Often people learn more from mistakes than success. Set an example by being more accepting of your own failures.

· Sometimes, it even works to praise them when they did something they shouldn’t. Instead of scolding them, remind them of past praiseworthy behavior. Often they will correct themselves and keep you from being the bad guy.

The final chapter is about freeing children from playing roles. Funny enough, the workplace sometimes turns into the schoolyard as we attach labels to adult children. Casting a child into a role can start very innocently. One or two actions lead to a label “bossy”, “stubborn”, “destructive”. Little by little, the child given the name begins to play the part and live up to the label. How parents think of you can often be communicated in seconds, often unconsciously. A child’s behavior is often influenced by how they think the parent views them. To avoid a self-fulfilling prophecy:

• Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of herself: “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new”.

• Put children into situations where they can see themselves differently: “Sara, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers”.

• Let children overhear you say something positive about them: “He held his arm steady and didn’t even cry even though the shot really hurt”.

• Model the behavior you’d like to see: “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a good sport about it”.

• Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments: “I remember the time you…”.

• When your child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and or expectations: “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you”.

This may be the hardest thing for a parent to do. When a child persistently behaves in one way over a period of time, it requires great restraint on our part not to reinforce the negative behavior by shouting ”There you go again”. It takes an act of will to put aside the time to plan a campaign that will free the child from the role he has been playing.

Hopefully this trip back to a book I read as a young parent in 2000 has provided you with some valuable advice as a parent, and as a leader. When you read this advice from the workplace perspective, hopefully it is surprising apt and helpful. It’s funny how adult relationships aren’t all that far removed from the schoolyard.