LLYR Part 4: Talk Less, Listen Better

Talking less and listening better is the lifelong partner of asking great questions. And it’s a lost art. In today's world of social media and smart phones, it feels like we are all in ‘broadcast mode’ all the time. Our attention spans are miniscule. I stop reading about ten words into a text. Better yet just send a meme or an emoji – ‘nuff said. Any more than that is TMI.

If we are forced into an actual conversation (heaven forbid), as Matt Abrahams says in Think Faster, Talk Smarter: “We tend to listen just enough to get the gist of what someone says before we begin to judge, rehearse our response, then speak again.”

Or as Stephen Covey says: "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."

Mike O’Krent started his 12/18/23 email with this: “the most evident problem people have with listening...they make it about themselves. When you make it about yourself, you listen to reply. Are you guilty as charged?”

You bet you are. You’ve done this almost as often as it’s been done to you. (Oh, and you’re an above average driver, like almost everyone else.) It’s common practice.

Be a better leader. Be a better person. Try something different. Be uncommon.

To be that uncommon listener, Mike suggests remembering the mantra: "It's about them, not about you." When you do that, “you will feel heard and, miraculously, you will learn more about them, understand more of what they are saying, and feel better about yourself”.

This is echoed by the Obi-Wan Kenobi of listening, Edgar Schein in his book Humble Inquiry:

“The more we remain curious about the other person rather than letting our own expectations and preconceptions creep in, the better our chances are of staying in the right questioning mode…It takes discipline and practice to access one’s ignorance and focus on the other person.”

I just started reading an interesting book by David DeSteno called The Truth About Trust. Wait, what does trust have to do with listening?

At the heart of trust “is a delicate problem centered on the balance between two dynamic and often opposing desires – a desire for someone else to meet your needs and his desire to meet his own.” A conversation is just such a delicate problem. It’s a tradeoff of needs and desires between two or more people. Do I prioritize your needs or mine? Am I focused on you or me?

When we listen to reply or to get what we want, we can be clearly and ridiculously obvious about it. Our listening skills directly affect our trustworthiness. Yes, you heard that right.

Like a lot of retired people, I’ve been doing some consulting. A lot of consultants I encountered when I was working full-time were what I called ‘You Should’ers’. After hearing about 30 minutes of a 20-year story, they were absolutely sure that what they had to sell would be the answer to my issues. I’m then barraged by a string of “You should do X”. Or, as I heard someone put it this week, ‘they should all over you’. I have an immediate aversion to ‘You Should’ers’, probably because I don’t trust them.

Great consultants spend a lot of time listening to all sides of the problem they have been asked to consider. They learn how to ask great questions and to quickly build up enough trust to get people to be honest about what’s happening from their point of view. They acknowledge their ignorance (which is usually genuine) and focus on listening. By doing this, they demonstrate that they are genuinely concerned about your needs.

I worked with an excellent consultant who described this phase as diagnosing the patient. He would listen intently with genuine curiosity about what the client was experiencing. He knew more about his area of expertise than anyone else I knew, and he still stayed focused on diagnosing each new problem, because he genuinely wanted to take away the client’s pain.

How many times have you been to a doctor that half-listened to what you were saying, gave you about 15 minutes, and sent you off with a prescription for something?

The best salespeople I’ve ever seen were amazing listeners. Often, we encounter the opposite - salespeople that can’t stop talking about what you need. I’ve been lucky enough to work with great salespeople and their ‘secret sauce’ is a genuine interest in what the customer needed, even if it wasn’t something they sold.

As a leader, I know I didn’t listen as well as I should have. I focused too much on how I get you to do what I need you to do for the organization as quickly and effectively as possible. I was too focused on my own needs of achievement. I said that we genuinely care about doing the right thing and valuing our people, but my actions often told a different story.

Thankfully, I think I was a better listener as a parent than I was as a leader. Maybe because I was genuinely focused on what was going on in my daughters’ lives and somehow I was less concerned about getting them to do what I wanted them to do.

Maybe because we won the kid lottery and had these two incredible people in our lives, I was careful to guide them rather than shove them. I was more careful with my words and tone than I was with other people. They were, and are, my most important job. Now I try to enter every encounter as if I were counseling one of them.

Kids, friends, colleagues - people know when we are being genuinely concerned listeners and when we are focused on what we want. And if it’s the latter, we erode that precious trust.

At a recent conference I attended, more than one presenter said that “No” is toxic to culture. When our kneejerk reaction is to respond with “No”, a better response might be “Tell me more” or some other riff off of “Wait, what?” Demonstrate basic respect by hearing the person out and listening intently, not listening while forming another version of “No” in your head.

Saying that you care then demonstrating that you don’t batters trust. In our relationships, it virtually guarantees stifling the flow of information in the future – both the information that you may need to have and, because the other person is not listening to you the same way, the information you need to impart.

How do we practice good listening skills?

Mike O’Krent offers other tips beyond the mantra “It’s about them”. To me, that mantra is like the mental equivalent of a hand slap to replace a bad habit with a healthy one. Mike suggests another game you can play: Force yourself to respond by including at least one word from the last sentence the other person says. It sounds complicated and awkward at first, but it can become a habit with practice. I’ve noticed other people doing it with me. At first, it made me feel valued. After four sentences in a row, it started to feel inauthentic, so be careful not to overplay this.

I attended a conference last week where I was exposed to a practice called Council that is a core part of the culture at Snap, Inc., the parent of Snapchat. The practice is designed to improve active listening skills which, according to me, improves trust. Participants sit in a circle and answer questions posed by a moderator. Only one person can speak at a time; everyone else is actively listening to the speaker, not trying to formulate their own reply.

Imagine if every interaction you had at work involved someone listening to you completely and respectfully without interrupting or thinking about what they want to say next.

Now imagine if Congress listened to each other and their constituents with respect and a focus on finding the best balance between the difficult competing priorities we face – instead of closing their minds and doing what’s best for themselves.

Listening with others in mind leads to trust, understanding, respect, discussion, compromise – all important building blocks of a civilized and more equitable society.

Be a better leader. Be a better person. Try something different. Be uncommon. Listen better, talk less.