The R Word

re·​tire·​ment

a: an act of retiring, the state of being retired

b: withdrawal from one's position or occupation or from active working life

c: the age at which one normally retires

d: a place of seclusion or privacy

Definition courtesy of Mirriam-Webster

One of the first things I learned when I stopped working full-time is that retirement (the word) doesn’t work for me. The word itself conjures up a life consumed in leisure activities with golf, fishing and travel at the top of the list. Just thinking about retirement will often lower your blood pressure on most days of your working life. Everyone wants to retire early.

I wanted to retire ten years before I did. Or more accurately, I wanted to stop working one full-time job sooner than I did. I did not want to play golf five days a week – I like golf well enough, when it’s about twelve holes and there’s enough time between rounds for me to forget why it’s frustrating.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with ‘retirement’ when it means a life of leisure. Our working lives are long and by the time most of us have saved up enough to stop working, we’re ready to relax and not have any obligations. For many people, retirement is like Seinfeld – it’s a show about nothing.

But that wasn’t what I was thinking. While I didn’t want to devote myself to one full-time job where the motivation was (honestly) primarily earning money, I also didn’t want to do ‘nothing’. I felt like I had more to offer and, as we all know, there sure are enough interesting problems out there that need help, even if you aren’t looking for them.

The second thing I learned is that there are other people out there like me. Some of them coined new words and even wrote guidebooks on the whole thing, like The Resolutionist by Patti and Milledge Hart, with the helpful subtitle Welcome to the Anti-Retirement Movement. I’m not sure how I feel about being part of a Movement, but I sure am glad to hear that other people were thinking along similar lines as me.

In fact, more people are working longer. The Bureau of Labor Statistics projects that workforce participation among people 75 and older will climb to 11.7% from 8.9% in 2020. Why are many of them still working at 80? They just want to (1). I guess my next career will be longer than I thought.

So far, my favorite alternative to retirement is ‘preferment’ - coined by a fellow post-full-time traveler who explained that she now gets to work on what she prefers to work on rather than whatever some boss tells her to do. In fact, one of the critical features of preferment is that you identify anything that feels like work and cut it out of your diet – like it was saturated fat or high fructose corn syrup.

And now that I pulled the definition of retirement from the web, I’m even more opposed to retirement. I’m not sure I want to be in a ‘state of’ anything for too very long (unless it’s wedded bliss honey) and I’m completely sure withdrawal from active life isn’t for me. Being in a place of seclusion or privacy sounds frightening on most days.

If you haven’t gathered by now, I’m not a big fan of the R word. Another problem with not having a better word is that there’s no good answer to that age old social nicety: “So, what do you do?”. Um, well, I’m retired, kind of, sort of. I, um, still do stuff, don’t get me wrong. I’m still relevant. I’m not unemployed or anything. I still have some societal value. I’m in decent shape, I still live at home, I’m not using a walker. I use apps okay?! I’m not ready for the ‘retirement’ home! Don’t take away my car keys!!

Too much too soon in the relationship? Well, let’s see what you do when you get wherever it is that I am. That rock solid bedrock of social chit chat is now terrifying. In fact, there’s a whole section about it in The Resolutionist (don’t laugh, you’re going to want to read it). People are expecting a very short answer to that question, mostly so they can start talking about what they do when you turn it around (which is required by law in 49 states). They want doctor, lawyer, Indian chief – full stop.

‘Retired’ is the easy answer, especially if you are living a life of leisure. ‘Retired’ will likely get you a follow up along the lines of: “Oh man, that must be wonderful, are you playing 18 or 36 holes a day?” That line of conversation is joyful if you remotely share a leisure activity interest. And it gets the ball back in the other person’s court with a big smile and warm thoughts of ‘someday soon’.

If that’s not you, you’ve got yourself a certified ethical dilemma. Take the easy way out, use the R word, and talk about how you ride your bike 100 miles a week. Enjoy the joy that your Life of Riley spreads to your conversational partner (like second-hand smoke but healthier).

Or lean into your strangeness and explain that, while you’re retired, you’re still working on lots of interesting things, like having five jobs that you love instead of one that you don’t really like. Read the guidebook and practice your answer. Expect a strange look and maybe even a few waves of skepticism, bewilderment or even disbelief.

Please don’t try to explain everything you’re doing. Nobody cares and it would take too long. They will stop listening after the first thing you mention. If they are above average socially, they may ask a follow up question about that one thing, but don’t push your luck. Quickly ask them about what they do and cut your losses. Live with the fact that they probably won’t remember you.

After I arrived at ‘whatever you want to call this thing’, I encountered others that curiously ask about their own impending ‘transition’. Sometimes, this feels a little like you’re a patient that just came back from the dead in the ER. “Whatever you do, don’t go into the light.”

If you find yourself in that conversation, my advice is to quickly determine the retirement versus preferment thing. This can be a little ‘red state, blue state’ kind of thing. Passions can run deep about whether you spend your ‘withdrawal from active working life’ in complete leisure or opt for a different path. Find out as quickly as you can and be prepared to keep your thoughts about ‘preferment’ to yourself. This is completely a personal choice and not something to get evangelical about. [Actually, is there anything at all we should get evangelical about?]

If your conversational partner is in the preferment mindset, they may be looking for some tips. They may have heard many stories about retirement gone bad. I have a friend that retired three times before it stuck. The first time, after a week of ‘Ahhh, retirement’, he started getting twitchy. Maybe it was the ‘So, what do you do for a living?’ that drove him to find another job.

The second time, he had an idea about what was coming his way, but unwisely decided to use his new spare time to fix everything his spouse was screwing up around the household all these years. That lasted about two weeks before he realized how complicated, expensive and lonely divorce would be in retirement.

The last time, he really gave a lot of thought to what gave him joy in life. He wrote down the important things he wanted to be sure were part of his ‘working day’. Sure, travel and leisure found a nice place in the mix. He realized he needed to do something ‘professional’ to stay engaged, relevant and fun to talk to at parties. He established a line-up card of activities with a target amount of time for each. That was a long time ago, and he is happy. His story sure helped me as I was facing the light at the end of the tunnel.

If you’re still with me by now, congratulate yourself on being in the top 0.1% of all readers. It’s not my snappy prose – it’s your magnificent attention span.

The next time you hear from me, I will share a few things I’ve learned about leadership so far during my preferment – things that I would add to Practically Positive about what I wish I knew when I was younger. I’m retired, so it’s my job to offer advice to all of you that aren’t yet wherever it is that I am.

1 More High-Powered People Choose to Work Into Their 80s, Callum Borchers, The Wall Street Journal, June 27, 2023